Monday, April 23, 2012

Light Bulb Moments

I’ve been both the accused and the accuser. I’ve heard and uttered the words, “Not the sharpest tool in the shed.” “She’s not the shiniest gem in the tiara.” “He’s a sandwich short of a picnic.” So when life gives me a light bulb moment and I know that all the bulbs in my chandelier are lit, I get excited. I spent a lot of years in the darkness of denial. I couldn’t see a way out. I didn’t know there was a way out. The way it was is the way it would always be. I was doomed to repeat the sins of my past and those who’d gone before me. I was miserable and at the end of my rope. I just kept tying another knot and trying to hold on a little bit longer. For my reality I knew yelling, drinking, abuse, withdrawal, martyr, victim, manipulation, threats (mostly empty) and anger. I didn’t have the stuff TV shows are made of. You know where problems are over in thirty minutes and everyone ends up in a group hug. Growing up I always waited for the other shoe to drop when I visited friend’s homes. I couldn’t get totally comfortable. Their homes just seemed too peaceful.
The darkness was in my heart and behind closed doors. On the outside, everyone wore matching outfits and put on a happy face. Seen and not heard. Use your manners and be polite. My pain took me deep inside myself. I locked away my heart in order to protect it from further damage. I disengaged from life and thought I was still living. At least I thought I could make it look like that way. In May of 2010 an event happened that changed my world forever. At first glance it was devastating and something I didn’t know how I would ever get over. The incident is not mine to share or disclose. I can say it involved a loved one and impacted many members of my family. I can also say because of it, I finally began to seek recovery. I finally saw and admitted that I was “one of those” people. The people who admitted they couldn’t handle life all on their own; the kind of people who needed something and someone bigger than themselves. It was the beginning of fully living my life in full light. Now, almost two years later, I have learned, revealed, released and healed more than I could ever imagine. I did so by taking the first step and admitting I was powerless, followed by the second step and so on. Living in the dark, I wondered around hurt, lonely, ashamed, in fear, with my happy mask I’d been wearing for far too long. ALL along my heavenly Father knew my pain and waited patiently and lovingly for me to turn to Him. “The lamp of the Lord searches the spirit of a man; it searches out his inmost being” Proverbs 20:27. HIS light now shines through my life. My chandelier is glowing! Two of the lessons I’ve learned along the way have been real light bulb moments. I’ve realized it’s not my responsibility to offset every negative comment someone makes with a positive one. I have not been made the official Susie sunshine cheerleader of the universe. Others are entitled to their own view just as I am mine. Another lesson I’ve learned is that since I don’t have to offset every negative with a positive, I also don’t have to respond at all! Yes, I can keep my mouth shut. I can live and let live.
What light and life giving moments these awakenings have been. I am free to be me and others are as well. It’s not my job to be the light. That belongs to Jesus. I choose to follow Him. “(Jesus) said, ‘I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” Jon 8:12. The glow in my life is not self generated. It’s the light that shines through healing. The light comes from forgiving, letting go, and hope. The light comes from victory over the dark. The light that is available to all who seek. Daphne- Changed life thru CR Celebrate Recovery, contact Rodney at 479-659-3679 or roholmstrom@fellowshipnwa.org

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