Friday, May 18, 2012

MY Will Be Done

To quote a contemporary therapist, “How’s that working for you?” For me, it landed me smack dab into recovery! I kept having low attendance at my pity parties. I seemed to be the only one who showed up. And there have been times when I stayed entirely too long; wore out my welcome by hours, days, and weeks. You see, every now and then my inner two year old used to visit and try to take over my life and everyone else’s.
I don’t really remember the day when I felt the empowerment of queen and judge of the world. It was quite a responsibility. Those are two very heavy robes to wear. Between the tiara and the gavel I was really weighed down. Somewhere along my life’s journey I came to believe that with me in charge of everyone and everything life would be much smoother, happier, better, richer, fuller. Need I go on? I was a good and fair ruler. I wanted what I believed to be best for others even if they didn’t know what it was. They could trust me, I did. I wasn’t overly harsh or manipulative. I was generally a subtle consistent drip on the foreheads of my loved ones. (Think Chinese water torture here.) My need for power and control came from a deep seeded feeling of lack of control. So when I didn’t get my way, well, hang on, get ready. I had a variety of tools in my bag- nagging, silence, presentations of research to support my point and so on. One of the saddest things is that I didn’t consciously use any of the tools.
It’s just who I was. Like any child, if I didn’t get my way I would metaphorically throw a fit until I did get whatever it was I wanted. Remember though, I was a good and fair ruler. What I wanted for everyone were only good and right things. At least according to MY will and plan. Here’s the deal. I’m not really in charge and rarely in control. My first step in recovery was to admit this as well as my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life had become unmanageable. Really, how good is a two year old when it comes to running things? They are pretty powerless, as am I.
I recognize now that when I begin to slip back into the old control habit, it’s generally for a reason. Well, one or more of five. I do my darndest before I bring out the old familiar robes of control to ask myself if I’m hurt, exhausted, angry, resentful or tense. Almost always, it’s at least one of them. Other times, I simply forget, I’m not God. His word never mentions my will being done. I’m through with pity parties. I’m going to love not indulge that little girl inside me. I’m much freer when I’m not in charge or trying to be. I’ve got more time for fun and really living life to its fullest. “Not my will but thine be done.” God really is a loving, good and fair King. I’ll just focus on being a princess and let Him reign. Daphne, Another Changed Life For more information about Celebrate Recovery, contact Rodney at 479-659-3679 or roholmstrom@fellowshipnwa.org

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