I Trust His Mercy

 By Brookelynn Harper, Fellowship Bible Church, Rogers, Celebrate Recovery's Landing Resident and Devotional Writer, 8/26/20

I was finishing up college, and the list of goals I had to achieve would take too long to spell out. I had given myself between 30 and 45 minutes each day to eat, brush my teeth, do laundry, or do anything that was not scheduled “work.” Now you might be thinking, “Wow that’s crazy!,” or you might be thinking, “Yeah, I do that already.” But what’s important is what was happening on the inside.

I had convinced myself that I could do everything by my own hard work. I was going to be the best student in all my classes, the strongest in my competitive team, the most steadfast in all my commitments. I was going to be the best, because I was just that great at self-management and goal-achievement. I was successful, too. For several months, classmates and professors would say, “How are you managing it all?” or “Wow, I would be struggling if I was in your shoes, but you’re thriving.”

I took that as a source of pride. I compared myself to others and liked what I saw. I would even say things like, “I thank God that I am able to do this.” But in my head, I was thinking, “Wow, I am so great that I am able to do this.” I had prioritized my own perfection over my relationship with God and others. I was trying to do it by myself and convincing myself that I was doing it well. But despite what everyone saw, I wasn’t. 

Parts of my life were being neglected. For example, my relationship with my roommate was rocky, and generally left me feeling defeated. I was so focused on what I was doing, I never did anything to try to improve my relationship with her. The week that we graduated, we became aware that we had lived together for almost a year, but we barely knew each other. This was true of the majority of relationships in my life, some long-standing and others newer. I could think of maybe one or two people that I felt were close, but even they started to become difficult.  

I was blindsided when I realized that there were parts of my life that were falling apart because I wasn’t willing to admit that I couldn’t do everything. Then I got mad at myself, because I had bought into the lie that I should be able to do it all on my own. Since I was failing, I was doing something wrong. 

Tumbling from self-anger, I became angry at other people for not facilitating my attempts to do everything. I had thoughts like, “Well, if my roommate would just get up earlier, it would be easier for me to get up.” Or “If someone else would do their part of cleaning the house, it would be easier for me to do my portion.” These thoughts spiraled until I was angry at everyone around me, even though I hadn’t told them I was struggling.

Psalm 13 says: 

“Lord, how long will You forget me?
Forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long will I store up anxious concerns within me,
agony in my mind every day?
How long will my enemy dominate me?
Consider me and answer, Lord my God.
Restore brightness to my eyes;
otherwise, I will sleep in death."

I wouldn’t have put words to that to say ‘I don’t think God is with me.” I thought I was helping God, doing great things in His name. Yet, I was relying so much on myself that I didn’t see God in my life – I couldn’t feel Him near me. I thought that if I just kept working harder, eventually He would help me in the final push.

But the psalm ends by saying this:

"But I have trusted in Your mercy;
my heart will rejoice in Your deliverance.
I will sing to the Lord
because He has treated me generously."

What is incredible to me is that the last two verses don’t say, “You will take up the slack when I fail,” or “Once I prove myself, then You will come along and help in the last step.” Mercy occurs when I do everything wrong, and God forgives me and helps me anyway.

Here’s the reality that I found: my reliance on myself wasn’t something good and healthy in my life. It was affecting my relationships, my health, my work, my self-image. And my denial of that fact did not change that reality. Yet, once I was able to admit that I needed mercy, God gave it freely. 

Wherever you are this week, know with absolute confidence that you do not have to rely on your own power to get through the tough times in life. God is right there waiting for you to turn around and hand it over to him.  

Have a blessed week, friends!

Click HERE to listen to "Your Mercy" by Paul Baloche