Journeying Through Depression

By Susan Nichols, Fellowship Bible Church Celebrate Recovery Devotional Team, 8/7/2019

For most of my life, I wondered what was wrong with me. I don’t remember exactly when I had my first bout with the “black cloud,” but I do know I’ve always related to Eeyore, the Winnie the Pooh character.  That poor little donkey had a black cloud that hung over his head on even the best of days.

Like Eeyore, I tried to be a ‘glass-half-full’ person, but life felt overwhelming and exhausting.  I had my first suicide attempt at 18, the next at 20. When I threatened a third attempt, my counselor had me admitted to an inpatient facility.  Not to sound cliché, but it’s only by God’s grace that I’m alive today and more emotionally healthy than I probably have ever been.  Having the total support and understanding of my family at home and my Celebrate Recovery family has been instrumental to my healing. I’d like to share a few key lessons I’ve learned along the way.

Seek help when there’s a problem.  I had been depressed for years but tried to handle it on my own. By the time I saw my doctor, I was crying uncontrollably.  I would wait till I was in the shower to release the tears and, once I started, I could not stop.  I felt disconnected as I sobbed, wondering why I couldn’t turn off the tears.  I should have sought help long before I got to that point, but I was taught that taking care of myself was selfish. On the contrary, it’s only when I am healthy that I can best tend to those placed in my care.

Advocate for yourself.  My physician refused to put me back on an antidepressant, which I felt was necessary. I deferred to him, but now realize that I had options. I could have let him know I disagreed, asked him to reconsider, or sought help elsewhere. No one knows my body/mind the way I do, and I knew that something was seriously wrong.  Over the next year I developed severe problems with comprehension, memory, and focus as my depression worsened. I found conversation difficult.  I drove off while my kids were still getting in the car.  I even forgot how to use the toaster.  (No, seriously.)  It’s taken a lot of work, but I’m now finding my voice and learning how to speak up for myself and my family when I need to.

Ask someone to go with you.  When I finally returned to the doctor, I took someone with me. I needed to be taken seriously, and that person’s presence gave added weight to my concerns. They also gave valuable input about symptoms that I hadn’t noticed, such as slower reaction times. There is no shame in needing help. In fact, scripture tells us we will need others.  Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says,

“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.” (NLT)

The depression I’ve experienced and the mental difficulties I’ve faced as a result have been very humbling.  I’ve never had problems with memory or comprehension. I think of myself as intelligent and capable.  However, I finally had to admit that I needed help.  I admit there were times I wondered how I could keep going.  Situations didn’t always change, life didn’t get easier, but I clung to Hebrews 13:5, in which God says,

“I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.”

This life we live is truly a journey, and if we just keep walking we will find that   whatever difficult situation we find ourselves in—whether depression, sickness, or something else—He will bring us through to the other side.

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