Insanity vs. Truth

By Tim Kelley, CR Ministry TEAM Men's Encourager Coach, Fellowship Bible Church, Rogers  6/12/19

There was a time when my life was ruled by the chaos of my emotions. The circumstances that surrounded me dictated what life was like. If things were well, then my struggle with porn was not so bad, I could “manage” my sin. But that is not reality. Life has a way of having highs and lows, and sometimes those lows come in bunches. And that is when I would turn inward, thinking that I must be doing something wrong for this to be happening. And of course, the enemy was right there whispering, “Yep, you must have really screwed up bad. If you were any kind of a spiritual man, this wouldn’t be happening to you, would it? God must be about done with you now.”  In the Summer of 2006, those kinds of thoughts plagued me day and night as my use of porn as a coping mechanism had turn to a compulsive behavior, an addiction. What was worse I knew it!  I could see what was happening and I was powerless to stop.  I kept using porn so I could feel better, but I always felt worse, so I would use porn to feel better only to feel more shame, so I would use porn...you get the picture. The insanity was a life lived and ruled by my feelings, and it was killing me. It occurred to me as I was leading my current Step Study through the Sanity lesson just how insane things were.  But what changed?

The only thing that could stand against the insanity was truth, excuse me, the Truth - as in the Way, the Truth and the Life.  I had to come face to face with Christ as He hung on the cross. That can only happen in a place of surrender, in a place where I am vulnerable. I can tell you Bible College and years in ministry as an associate pastor didn’t even get me close.  If anything, it seemed to feed my shame even more. What I needed was a place where I could admit my shame, my sin, so that I could take off the mask and look at Christ on the cross full in the face and finally understand the Why. What is the Why? It is that He made a choice He decided that I was worthy of His death on the cross. I did nothing to deserve it and quite frankly I did a pretty good job of not deserving it. But it had nothing to do with what I deserved or didn’t deserve, it was all about Him and what He decided to do.  He decided before He even laid the foundations of creation that I was worth His death on the cross (see Ephesians Chapter 1). 

So this is what I needed, but I wasn’t finding it. Countless church services, conferences, Bible Studies, community groups, Promise Keepers events, mission trips, and ministry itself left me with nothing but more shame, because all they seemed to be doing was screaming how unworthy I was and how disappointed God has to be with me. 

Then Sept 15, 2006 happened. That is the night I walked into CR for the first time. What I found in time was that this was a place I could admit my shame, my sin, with no judgement. A place I could be vulnerable before others and God. Over time and after working through several Step Studies, this place has proven to be safe. I finally found a place that allows me to remove my masks and encounter Christ in a way I never have. I have begun to see that I have been using the chaos of my emotions to dictate my sense of worth and well-being rather than allowing God to tell me who I am.  So how did I make this shift?  For me, I realized that my understanding of how the Father sees me had always been through the lenses of my chaotic emotions, and this distorted my vision and warped my understanding. I needed the Truth, so I began to listen to what others in my CR Family were saying about Him, and I watched how they lived that out. Then I began to read His Word. When I came into recovery I understood that my way of “managing” things was so flawed and doomed me to failure every time. So I conceded to the fact there might be a better way than mine. That now also meant that how I read the Bible was flawed too!  So, I had to do it differently than before. As I prayed about this I felt I was struck with some divine inspiration. As I began to read scripture I started asking 2 questions: 1) In these verses what is the Father saying about Himself? And 2) What is the Father saying about how He feels about me?

This was the Truth I needed to know!! And the answer I found continues to free and heal me. 

Quite simply, the Father more than loves me, He likes me!  Yep! He wants to hang out with me. He wants to be engaged in all the details of my life. The big ugly ones and the small insignificant ones (BTW I am discovering allowing God to engage me in the small details actually tends to have a bigger impact on me, go figure). This is my Truth and where I am learning to find my identity and worth. Unlike my emotions, it is stable, it doesn’t move when my world is shaken. Unlike my emotions, this is not dependent upon me doing anything except to surrender.  

What this also means is that it is okay to not be okay. It is okay if I am having some really negative emotions. I can go ahead and have them without any fear of them. It will still hurt and I may have tears, but my emotions do not define me nor do they dictate my life any longer. I am not a victim of my own emotions. The Truth is, I am simply a beloved son of the Father who is going through life.

Click HERE to listen to "Maybe It's Ok (if I'm not ok)" by We Are Messengers